hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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