..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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