dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
