the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
