I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I can't turn off my feet"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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