Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
