I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
