Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
