If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
