You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
