I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
