And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
