Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
