My friends, they love my intelligence
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
