i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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