I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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