i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm getting married
To pizza
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
