Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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