I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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