After last night, I could never be a politician.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
