dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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