I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
