That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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