I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
