I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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