I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
