Who did Billy Mays play for?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
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I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
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Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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