Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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