he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
