Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
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is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
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I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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