Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
