I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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