I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Randomize
