I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
