he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
