i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
