I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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