I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
All the doctor said was why
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
