Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
