Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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