I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
