She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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