Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
