I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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