clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
