Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
