Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
