I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
