Betty ford says i'm here all night
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
