cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
