In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
