Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Sorry about my life...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
