My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
