im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
