Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
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