Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Someone came in the potted fern
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I can feel your judgement through the phone
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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