He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
