Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
